i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
