marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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