If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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