So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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