I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
