I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
