I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
