i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
