Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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