i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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