You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
