Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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