How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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