im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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