Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
