Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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