God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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