She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
