i just had sex bonerless
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
