i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
