is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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