Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize