Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize