I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I touched a dick in church today
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
