Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
