i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
