just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
