Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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