last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
