I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
