I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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