Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
