That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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