my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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