im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
