thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize