My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
