I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
