So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
