Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
