She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
