I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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