I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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