you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
