1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
