You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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