he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
