i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
