Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
