my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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