I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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