My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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