You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize