I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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