why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I got inside last night via doggy door
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
