You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
