I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
