That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
