i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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