did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This toilet bowl is my home.
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