If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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